truly.

If you have been here long enough to read some of my posts, you totally understand that I absolutely love being here on the farm

in the house

in the garden

cooking

walking the prairie

being with all six of the kids

truly. truly. truly.  i would not have it any other way - God's will be done! -

my human instinct tells me to kick off my shoes and run through the rain.........do a cartwheel at whim..........eat pie for breakfast

I do the pie thing, and have done the rain dance, but I seriously think I would break something if I attempted a cartwheel (which I will attempt after I do some more turbojam videos - trust me - )

the joy is there

I can see it like looking through binoculars

almost touch it it's so close

but the joy is a struggle when you are nursing an almost 4 month old who still nurses like a newborn
trying to write articles for different publications only to change it a dozen times
go out to the beet patch to find the rabbit has been rather hungry
and sacrifice the day at home with the baby so the rest of the family can take the boat out

yes

that is it

jealousy

jealous that I couldn't go
jealous that I don't have more time to pick every single cucumber
jealous that other women wear a size 7 and only have two children at home while they sip champagne on the veranda with their friends in the afternoon (I know of someone who does that)
jealous that I am not someone else?? 

no

jealous that I am not more joyous?

yes

bringing more joy into my life is a daily sacrifice finding it in laundry and this Africa hotness
bringing more joy into my life through more prayer and devotion
bringing more joy into my life with more sacrifice

this is what He wants me to do

funny note.......I seriously didn't even want to mention God.....and yet, here I do it........

bringing more joy into my life with accepting this vocation, silencing my fears

silencing.
fear.

Fear that I might someday be that women with only two children left at home.

Fear that I might pick every cucumber that is in the garden and then have to do something with them.

Fear that there will be no more chubby hands handing me a perfect blueberry

Fear that I will have to be living life solo

Fear is holding back my silence -

I crave the silence yet want to hear the noise.  Of my husband's laughter and the children talk of their adventures with him on the canoe, the boat, by foot or in the air.....

So in the end, I am joyous........so joyful to come into the mudroom and see flower colored flip flops and worn-toed cowboy boots

So overjoyed to see that little onesie hanging out to dry in the warm sun

Tearfully joyful to know that my family is enjoying this sunshine at the lake, eating the sandwiches they packed and the granola bars I made

the ache in my chest is not sadness but joy

JOY!