11.04.2011

being void...and that's okay

the pressure is there to constantly "be in the moment"
{ to experience everything
{ to taste it
{ to feel it
{ smell it
{ hear it
{ to see....and touch it...

the wipers noisily squeaked right left...right left....the car eerily quiet though all but Jason was with me....no music - just the hum of the wheels upon the highway and the now annoyingly squeaking noise of the wipers...

the wipers were turned on before the funeral...when the air was thick with dew and mist from the heat of the ground mingled with the complete chill in the air that seemed to creep through the marrow of my bones to reach the part of my soul that has been void

parking almost 3 blocks from the entrance to the old brick cathedral for Mass....a Requiem Mass....a Mass for a woman....a Mass in honor of a woman....a Mass to connect heaven and earth....a place to connect me to God....to fill that void

a valid word but an invalid feeling

nothing black to mourn her loss than the boots that I have been trying to replace for the past two months and the circles under my eyes

a crying child in the arms of a familiar face of a mother I knew before stops me as I gaze into the standing room of the
Massive amount of people in the cathedral...thoughts of reassurance not this many people even know me crash through my head as I try to listen to her tell me "there is a few pews...in the very front"

sending my 14 year old son to the front with instructions to look back at me with a slight nod to tell me to venture up to the front with five of his siblings....I can only think of praying to the good Lord to keep the baby quiet and my three old well behaved as I notice the pew open is right behind the pall bearers...a knot settles into my throat as I see Eileen covered in a black clothe hand embroidered by nuns and two foot candles lit and reaching towards the sky...not hearing any noises except that crying child from the familiar face in the back of the church now sounding like a mile away

I know Mark is sitting on the left hand side...Mary's side of the church for us, but from God's perspective to the right....the right side of the church where sorrow lays still

Gregorian chant fills the space and enters up with the incense to encompass that moment....that void starts to fill with more sights and sounds of the Mass...of knowing God is here....truly present....just like Eileen....present under the veil while she sees Him....her veil has lifted...her void is gone....all of her senses are useless....i realize so are mine and everyone else...how alike we all are...

we search out our lives trying to find completeness.......to "feel" complete.....when in order to do so we must empty ourselves to be united with eachother...

regardless of where I was Tuesday, you were somewhere else
wherever I was in 1983, you were somewhere else
you are somewhere else, and I am here

here truly present wanting to join with others...the mass
becoming the Mass

flocking together and not caring for things of this world... knowing we will be provided for




and that's more than okay

rest in peace knowing you are not alone
rest in peace seeing...hearing...tasting the Mass
being on the right side
chanting like everyone else

it's okay
no need to worry

peace + blessings to all...especially to Eileen's friends and family,
our deepest sorrow...


to help fight the battle of cancer, please visit here

13 comments:

  1. Dear Anne Marie,
    A very dear priest of our church said recently after his own father passed away, he was sad that his father was gone from this earth and he would miss him terribly, but he was also REJOICING for he knew that his father was praising and adoring God in heaven with all the angels and the saints.

    blessings,
    Danielle

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  2. I don't even know how to express how I feel after reading this. These days, I am in the throes of remembering my husband who passed away 3 years ago, this next month, who died of cancer at 51. Your words touched and brought encouragement, I thank you. Sol Deo Gloria

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  3. So beautiful. The photos complete your words. This is the side of you I really connect with.

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  4. Very Beautiful ...touching and the photos are Great ! have a lovely weekend!!

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  5. I am so saddened by her death but know she is rejoicing with the Lord. She suffered much and I pray for her family. So much to be thankful for, our health, family, friends and FAITH!

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  6. Dear Anne Marie, The photos to this moving and prayerful post are so powerful. Every moment is a gift, and every dear one to be cherished. Peace to you dear one. Love, Penny

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  7. This was so beautifully written, Anne-Marie. My heart breaks for the love of Eileen I hear in your prose. I am so very sorry...May you be comforted with the grace of God. ♥

    xoxo laurie

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  8. Beautifully written Anne Marie,
    I so connect with you in so many ways, a deep love in what our Father does to comfort us, in the wings of the angels as all your photos connect to your writings.

    So Brave of you to post your deepest feelings and the journey you will be on in support to your dear ones.

    ~Dore

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  9. THank you so much for posting this. I was planning to go but at the last minute I didn't feel well enough for the long drive. Your descriptive imagery made me feel like I was there.

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  10. So beautifully written, Anne Marie. You have touched my heart.

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  11. I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend. I am so thankful though that this is not the end of her journey but the beginning of it. I will be praying for her family! We know she is in a much better place but that doesn't take away the loss her family is feeling. Thanks for sharing!
    Sherrie

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  12. May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed by God's mercy rest in peace.

    Anne Marie, thank you for this lovely post. As a cancer patient, I appreciate the reminder of where we can fill the void. I need to go to Mass.

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  13. Did you know it is called, "murmuration" when flocks of starlings do this? It is so beautiful!

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